The Mystery of Marriage

Written by Pastor Nuckols Friday, 23 April 2010 10:30

            Marriage is the publicly acknowledged joining of a man and a woman together.  But marriage is not only the public and ceremonial ratification of their mutual consent.  That is indeed essential but it is more than a contract between two people.  It involves an admittance and entrance into an estate, a civil reality above and beyond the mutual consent and/or even the loving commitment of the man and the woman involved.  It has always been held that the estate of marriage is divinely ordained and thus especially God-pleasing.  It is simply not the case that marriage was looked upon as a kind of necessary evil, a hedge against lust.  Luther, for instance, used the I Corinthians 7:9 passage that “it is better to marry than to burn” primarily as a criticism of Roman attempts to claim celibacy as a state higher than marriage.  It was better to marry than burn under the burden of falsely required vows. 

The foundation for the idea of marriage as an estate ordained by God, however, is much more positive.  It is to be found in such passages as the account of creation in which God blesses the man and the woman and enjoins that they “be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28) and also the subsequent ratification of the creation account by Jesus in Matthew 19:4-6, “Have you not read that the One who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  The estate of marriage has a positive purpose.  The two become one flesh, a substantial unity in difference.  The estate is to be a blessing to the married couple, to protect against the vagaries of passion, feeling, and sexual waywardness.  Note the verbiage from The Lutheran Agenda: 

Wherefore those who purpose to enter this holy estate should do so with a profound sense of the seriousness of the obligations they are about to assume, duly and devoutly weighing what Holy Scripture teaches concerning husbands and wives, and bearing in mind that the vow and covenant once made may not be broken.  Our Savior has declared that a man shall forsake his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, for they twain shall be one flesh.  By His Apostles He has instructed those who enter into wedlock to cherish mutual esteem and love; to bear with each other’s infirmities and weaknesses; to comfort each other in sickness, trouble, and sorrow; in honesty and industry to provide for each other and for their household in temporal things which pertain to God; and to live together as the heirs of the grace of life.[1]

 And, of course, the estate of marriage is concerned to foster a family life conducive to the raising of children.  Society has a tremendous stake in this.  The law in its civil use is one expression of this concern.

            If the church is at all concerned to restore some sanity to social life in an age of rampant sexual irresponsibility and egocentrism she would do well to pay some heed to what the Scriptures have to say about the estate of marriage as an application of the civil use of law that flows from it.  Attacks on marriage are nothing new.  It has always been rather a precarious venture and the butt of much ridicule, satire, and cynicism.  Luther, even in his day, notes that “the estate of marriage has universally fallen into . . . awful disrepute.  Pagan books, he laments, “treat of nothing but the depravity of womankind and the unhappiness of the estate of marriage. . .nor will Luther tolerate the idea that woman are only a necessary evil to assuage the lust of men.  Such ideas, Luther insists, are the words of blind heathen, who are ignorant of the fact that man and woman are God’s creation.”  It is blasphemy against God’s creation.  He even anticipates that if women were to write books they would say the same things about men![2]  A passage from Luther’s treatise on “The Estate of Marriage” both recognizes the threat to marriage and indicates the protection the estate intends.

     The world says of marriage, “Brief is the joy, lasting the bitterness.”  Let them say what they please, what God wills and creates is bound to be a laughingstock to them.  The kind of joy and pleasure they have outside of wedlock they will be most accurately aware of, I suspect, in their consciences.  To recognize the estate of marriage is something quite different from merely being married.  He who is married but does not recognize the estate of marriage cannot continue in wedlock without bitterness, drudgery, and anguish.  He will inevitably complain and blaspheme like the pagans and blind irrational men.  But he who recognizes the estate of marriage will find therein delight, love, and joy without end . . .[3]

     Luther continues:  “We err in that we judge the work of God according to our own desire.  This is why we are unable to recognize his works and persist in making evil that which is good, and regarding as bitter that which is pleasant.  Nothing is so bad, not even death itself, but what it becomes sweet and tolerable if only I know and am certain that it is pleasing to God.[4]

Like other reformers, Luther is reluctant to recommend divorce even when it is allowed.  The basis for his reluctance is the model of two kingdoms and two governments which Luther used as a means of deciding issues of ethics.  Luther argues that God gave two kinds of commandments: 1) spiritual ones that teach righteousness in the sight of God and which establish a spiritual government under which Christians are supposed to live; and 2) worldly commandments for those who do not live up to the spiritual commandments.  In the case of adultery, Jesus has interpreted the Law of Moses in such a way as to allow divorce and remarriage on grounds of adultery.  But, says Luther, people who obeyed the spiritual commandments of God did not send their spouses away and never made use of certificates of divorce.  Accordingly, the permission to divorce on grounds of adultery does not apply to Christians either, who are supposed to live in the spiritual government.  If there are believers who already live with their wives in an unchristian fashion, then they should be permitted to divorce in order to demonstrate that they were not really Christians in the first place.[5]

            One of the continuing dilemmas for the human family is the difficulty so many encounter in sustaining marital and family relationships.  God’s intention for marriage is clear.  While not everyone is expected to marry, those who do must understand “that He who made them from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one’.  So they are no longer two but one.  What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”  (Matthew 19:4-6).  “Let marriage be held in honor among all” (Hebrews 13:4) is the clear and consistent matrimonial principle of Scripture.  As The Lutheran Agenda states: “And although by reason of sin, many a cross hath been laid upon this estate, nevertheless our gracious Father in heaven doth not forsake His children in an estate so holy and acceptable to Him, but is ever present with His bountiful blessings.”[6]  The gap between God’s gracious will and human sinfulness is glaringly evident when people who want and need enduring family ties are unable to maintain and enrich them, and instead experience and even cause pain, alienation, offense, loneliness and loss.

The stable and strong committed marriage of one of Christ’s under shepherds preaches a louder and more profound sermon than he could ever proclaim.  Luther realized this in his own marriage to Katy: “Katie, you have married an honest man who loves you; you are an empress.”  The reason for their happiness lay as much in Catherine’s character as in her husband’s nature.  But the decisive factor was that both of them regarded marriage as a profession and divine vocation without the romantic expectations of love that were later to increase so enormously the number of disappointments and marital breakups.  It is true that the two had not been passionately in love when they started out, but what began as fondness and gratitude for a new form of companionship developed into a firm bond of love.  The surviving letters are positive evidence of that.  In his invitations to the wedding feast he was still circumspect, writing that he did not love his wife but appreciated her.  As the years passed his reticence disappeared and Catherine became his beloved wife.

Finally, a note by Luther on marriage from his 1531 wedding sermon:

God’s word is actually inscribed on one’s spouse.  When a man looks at his wife as if she were the only woman on earth, and when a woman looks at her husband as if he were the only man on earth; yes, if not king or queen, not even the sun itself sparkles any more brightly and lights up your eyes more than your own husband or wife, then right there you are face to face with God speaking.  God promises to you, your wife, or husband, actually gives your spouse to you, saying: “The man shall be yours; the woman shall be yours.  I am please beyond measure!  Creatures earthly and heavenly are jumping for joy.”  For there is no jewelry more precious than God’s Word; through it you come to regard your spouse as a gift of God and, as long as you do that, you will have no regrets.[7]